The Spy Who Loved Me
by MorningGloryBlue
Summary: But now Nikita was back and Michael had no idea how to feel about it.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Ok I really had to write this. I was originally going to wait awhile because I wanted to learn more about Michael and Nikita's relationship, but I had to write this. Please tell me what you think.**

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It had been three years. Three long years since he had last seen _her_, she was beautiful as ever of course. Just as charming, just as savvy, just as lethal as she had been three years ago when he had last seen her, but now Nikita was back and Michael had no idea how to feel about it.

Their relationship had always been… interesting to say the least. At first it had been very student and teacher as Michael had never quite been able to get over the fact that she was only a few years his junior and one of the most beautiful women he had ever laid eyes on. Over time as Nikita had risen through the ranks their relationship became less and less formal and more and more flirty but more importantly, for the first time in a long time for the both of them, true bonds of friendship had been formed.

For the next two years the friendship they had formed slowly but surely evolved into something more. Hadn't it? Love wasn't supposed to exist for two Division assassins, but it did for them. For a while Michael had been in the limbo and he knew she had been too. Did he love her, or was he _in_ love with her? Unfortunately he had left the limbo before she had.

He was in love with her.

But how to tell her? He felt almost ashamed to admit that he, a hardened, calculated, assassin was afraid of rejection. Then of course there was that minor issue of no romantic relationships in Division. He knew he wanted to be with her, but he didn't want her dead either, So Michael kept his mouth shut tight whenever he was around her. But then a mission came up where he and Nikita would be by themselves without any other agents to distract them from each other.

Even now Michael couldn't remember another time he had been more thrilled or horrified at the game plan for an op.

The target was a man by the name of Ivan Kravasa, a notorious playboy and a corrupt governor for a small area of Russia whose land held copious amounts of oil, and was selling it illegally to terrorists in Iran. Nikita would flirt with the easily susceptible Kravasa and while he was distracted with her, Michael would shoot him down.

_The night started out as well as could be expected. Nikita looked stunning in the sultry red dress Amanda had chosen for her. If Kravasa was as much a playboy as Division thought he was, Nikita would defiantly catch his eye. And so she had less than thirty minutes later, but Michael could not seem to help the jealously that boiled up from within his stomach when Nikita succeeded in dragging him away from his entourage and security cameras. When Michael entered the empty hall way, he found Nikita and Kravasa kissing; true hate seemed to pulse through his veins, every pore singing for the adrenaline of a kill shot._

_"Perhaps we continue this in my room, no?" Kravasa said breaking mouth from Nikita's._

_"Not tonight" Michael growled pulling the guns trigger without an ounce regret._

_Nikita wiped her mouth with a napkin from her clutch._

_"Ugg, you would think that a playboy like him would be a better kisser. Huh awful"_

_Michael could not help the short laugh that burst from his lips._

_"You would think, but then of course how would I know. Shall we?" He said holding out his arm to his beautiful colleague._

_"Yes we shall" She said with a smile as they both exited the party without a second glance._

_But the sparks hadn't really flown until they reached their hotel room. When Michael had exited the bathroom from having a shower, he found Nikita eyeing herself critically in the floor length mirror, still in her dress._

_"What is it?"_

_"I'm not sure Michael. I" She paused._

_"I guess I don't feel beautiful wearing this thing"_

_He nearly went insane when she said that._

_"Nikita" Michael said softly, enunciating each syllable carefully coming up to her from behind and gently placed his hands on her shoulders. If their relationship was ever to become romantic, it was now or never._

_"You look stunning" He told her quietly, pressing his lips to the crook of her neck,_

_"You always do"_

The next morning Michael felt that if someone had recorded his top five favorite nights, that night would have been number one.

For the next two months romantic rendezvous became the norm for the two of them and even though it was risky and dangerous, Michael had never felt happier in his life. But then the worst thing that could happen, happened. Amanda found out about them.

"_If you don't say goodbye to her, I will force you to. It's your choice Michael, choose wisely"_

Telling her goodbye had been the worst day in his life. Michael knew that he threatened her with Amanda's warning, she would have never let go of him. Nikita would know he still loved her and Michael could not let her know that. So he did what he had to do. Four months later he found out about that basterd Daniel Monroe. The boy who had put a ring on the thing he loved most and Michael hated him for it. Sometimes when he was all alone he would curse and rage at Nikita for getting under his skin, for owning his heart and not even knowing it, and despite his rage, he could never bring himself to hate her.

But now Nikita was back and Michael had no idea how to feel about it.

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**AU: As always, reviews are much loved**

**-Blue  
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	2. Chapter 2

**AU: Hey guys I'm back with another installment and I have to say yawl rock. Thank you **_**so**_** much for the reviews and honest feedback. I truly, dearly appreciate it. I'm not sure how this is all going to come together, but expect my updates to appear on Sundays as that is when I have most of my free time.

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Nikita was never one to fall back on her promises, and that was a rock hard solid fact. But of course it was much easier for Percy to swallow Birkoff's explanation about Nikita being dispirit and unhinged than Michaels practically indigestible truth. Three ruined missions and several beyond angry phone calls to Percy later, some part of Michael was perhaps a little smug. Take that Shadownet Michael had thought blandly. He had proved once again that he knew her best, despite what she had in that house a little over three weeks ago.

_You don't know me anymore Michael_

That may be what she thought, but not what Michael knew. Nikita would never lose that heart of hers that kept pulling her in different directions then Division had wanted her to go. She still had that way of putting double meanings into everything she said. Still wanted to do what was right, still always had some sort of trick up her sleeve. The only thing that Michael had really noticed a change in, was her amount of preparation and audaciousness. True Nikita had always had a level of rashness, but some of her recent stunts could easily be considered plain stupid. Like if it hadn't been Michael to go after her at that party instead of say Roan, it would have been easy to guess what would have happened. Although he had to admit that he hadn't expected her to break her arm, just to escape him. Did she truly despise him so much?

Michael was furiously pacing his apartment floor. There were two reasons why he was far more irritant and taunt then he normally was, and he knew exactly what they were; Percy and Owen Elliot or more accurately Nikita who was obliquetly related to Elliot and were both an insanely irritating mysteries. In a moment of self pity Michael stopped his pacing and allowed himself to question why had to fall in love with Nikita of all women. Why her? It wasn't like she was the only beautiful, strong, talented women he had ever met. Michael gave a quiet sigh. If he was going to sleep at all tonight, then he would have to be truthful with himself, something he had not truly done in three years.

Nikita was more than just a pretty face. She had a dry, subtle sense of humor that one had to be quick to catch; she was a formidable opponent in the battle arena and was the most austere assassin one could ever hope to meet. But Nikita was also an actress, a master of being spurious, yet unobtrusive at the same time. This particular skill was one that Michael had perfected over the last three years, which could be considered fortunate or unfortunate depending on how you looked at it. But when Percy had referred to Elliot as Nikita's boyfriend, his stanch control could not help but crack at the twinge of possessive anger that slammed against it. He shouldn't be feeling that way about her anymore, he let her go so she could live. _Calm down, calm down, Percy's trying to rattle her, you don't know anything for sure, _Michael scolded himself. _Concentrate!_

Three years ago he would not have been able to mollify the sudden rage that cracked his self control. Michael was not often turbulent, but when it came to certain subjects such as Nikita, he would become as Birkoff would say; _touchy_.

Some part of Michael had hoped that he might have earned at least one gold star per say by taking out one of Victor Han's thugs and ultimately saving her life. Another part of him knew that he had saved Nikita's ass mostly out of his own inner rebel [who at the moment was still majorly pissed at Percy] then the fact that he happened to love her. Michael wasn't even so sure that the whole 'superhero act' was even to get in her good books. He wanted to scare her, let her know that there was no way to predict whether he would actually hurt her or not. That he would not ever be someone she could pushover, just because they had a past. It was also the right thing to do.

"_The good solder, through and though" _Nikita had once told him.

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_Michael rushed to higher ground so he could a have a good shot Victor Han, but found he was not the only about one ready for a fight. There Nikita was, just as defiant as ever, not a speck of fear in her body language; she had a plan. But then of course thought Michael, when did she not?_

"_The thing about slavery is that I can handle whatever I want"_

"_I think we would clash"_

_Then Han shoved his lips to hers._

"_He is so dead" Michael growled under his breath, preparing to shoot. But found he didn't have to._

"_Kind of like lip stick… and peanut oil"_

_That's my girl thought Michael with the slightest of smiles coming to his face.

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He had held the gun's laser ray to her throat long enough for her to realize it was him and then pulled it away and gave her a look he hoped she wouldn't forget soon.

Then there was Percy.

Michael sat down on the couch in his dismal living room and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to ignore the nauseating feelings in his stomach. How he wished he could give Percy some sort of lesson too. There had been a time when he thought Percy was as venerable as they could come. Once upon a time Percy had even saved his life. Michael felt that he should have seen it coming, but then he had been seventeen when Percy had taken him in, and in dire need of a father figure. Michael's biological father had been a raging drunk, his mother an addict, yet ironically they had both been killed in a car crash not caused by either of them. He had only been sixteen at the time when they were killed. There had been some days when Michael felt he owed a thank you to whatever sort of higher power that was out there that gave him a second chance, but now all he felt has betrayal.

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"_Michael, how are you today" said Percy coming into his plain colorless room._

"_Better. You mentioned something about training yesterday. What's that about?"_

"_Well as told you yesterday, I am the head for a secret section of the government called Division. Division's purpose is to take out the people that threaten our great country, and we want your help"_

"_Why? What makes me any different than other street kids?" Michael questioned, in disbelief that anyone might actually want him. And why should he be led to believe any different? No one had ever wanted him before._

"_Why?, Well you're a street savvy, smart, good looking young man with a knack for martial arts" Percy told him smoothly and prepared to leave the room, but stopped when Michael opened his mouth to speak._

"_So you're going to train me to be some sort of special solder? Correct?"_

_Percy smiled with approval at the young brown haired man in front of him._

"_Exactly. Michael, I have a very good feeling about you", and with that exited the room.

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Michael closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch, attempting to let the anger, guilt and all the other screwed up emotions that he had out of his body, till there was nothing left but his control, so he could focus on a more important task; sleeping. He had gotten so little of it lately because of his mind being so full, the bags under his eyes were clear proof of that, so Michael reluctantly got off the couch and slowly walked towards the bed room. As nice as it would have been to fall asleep right then and there, his back would probably be tweaked in the morning.

He had never been one for nightmares and he occasionally entertained the thought that Amanda might have had something to do with it, but as Nikita had so kindly pointed out, he never asked many questions now did he. When he did have nightmares, he never remembered them when he woke and it annoyed his conscience to no end. Michael felt that if he knew what theses blind dreams were about he could get it out of his head so he could finally get some rest.

Michael knew that he shouldn't let himself hope that he would never have to choose between the two. Nikita or Division; now that was the real question.

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**AN: As always please review, I want to hear your feedback. I have theory on how Nikita fell for Daniel, but I want to wait for an episode that he's mentioned in so I can really flesh out my idea. I will feature more previous missions together; I just really wanted to analyze Michael character more because he's so conflicted. I guess I like Owen, but now I've got a bad feeling that there isn't really going to be that much between Michael and Nikita until the season end. I really**_**, really**_** hope I'm wrong.**

**Lots of Love, -Blue**


	3. The Problem With Nerds

**AN: Hey guys! Thank you again for all the wonderful reviews, as they make me feel all warm and cuddly inside. Anyways I know there was no episode this week, but here is another chapter anyway so I don't have to feel guilty and it was my birthday on Wednesday, so this is my personal gift to me. This is a little bit of humor too, because it's no fun being serious all the time. Enjoy!**

"Why does everyone think I am some sort of chronic nerd!"

"Maybe because you are Birkhoff" Michael replied tiredly.

It was around four pm am and Michael was feeling the afternoon fade. If he hadn't been so emotionally drained he would have felt reasonably cheerful at the fact that he could go back to the apartment early today as he had no O.P. to run. Birkhoff had just finished teaching his 'How to be a Geek/ Nerd' class when he stormed into the wreck-room.

"That was a rhetorical question Michael, didn't you notice?"

"If you say so, nerd"

"_How do you __do__ that?" Nikita asked Birkhoff in a strange mix of jealousy and disbelief after he hacked into the FBI's data base for the third consecutive time._

"_Magic my dear Nicky, magic" Birkhoff told Nikita, his blue eyes glinting with delight. _

_Michael who had been leaning against the door frame felt a mix of amusement and irritation at Birkhoff's obvious crush on Nikita gave a silent sigh. Calling her Nicky was not as safe idea. Well at least it wasn't for someone like Birkhoff._

"_Don't. Call. Me. Nicky," She enunciated carefully starting to stand up, fists balled._

"_Touchy, touchy, touchy!"_

"_Why you little nerd!-" _

_Michael felt that it was high time he make himself known and hastily stepped between them and caught her fist before it could pummel Birkhoff's face._

"_Yes, impressive Obi- Won. Nikita, giving people black eyes, no matter how annoying-"_

"_Hey!"_

"_Is not normally considered good manners in polite society. You also have Foreign Relations in five minutes," He told her firmly, but gave her the slightest wink, as he turned to Birkhoff and released her fist._

"_As for you Birkhoff, I'd really hate to see you with a black eye. It would ruin any minuet chance you did have with women" _

"_WHAT!"Birkhoff cried, his eyes growing large._

"_He's right about that one Nerd. Sparring at two thirty Michael?"_

"_Are you ready to lose? Again?" _

"_That's what they all say Michael. That's what they all say. Later Nerd," Nikita said, giving a little wave to both of them before gracefully sauntering out f the computer lab._

"HEY, it was one thing for Nicky to call me that, but not you Mr. Teachers Pet"

"That's a good glare Birkhoff, I'm impressed. Are you going to give me virus too?"

"Shut up"

"That is the best idea you've ever had"

Michael continued to sip at his coffee, black – no sugar, no milk, while reading over several new O.P.s that Percy had assigned him, but in truth Michael felt like he had been reading the same few lines over and over again. Oh he was tired. Thankfully there had been no word from Nikita or newly uncovered bull shit from Percy's side, so maybe Michael would actually sleep though the night this time. The chair Michael was sitting in was feeling very, very comfortable.

"You know I think you're just bitter"

"Hmm"

"I think that you're jealous that Nikita liked me more"

Michael could not help the small smile that briefly graced his lips. Birkhoff thinking that he had more of a chance with _Nikita_ then _him_, had been laughable long before the two of them even started flirting. Michael might feel dead on his feet, but teasing the unsuspecting Birkhoff always seemed to cheer him up. What was interesting was Birkoff's attitude. It was the third time this week that the mega nerd had stormed into the wreck room to rant to Michael how disrespectful the recruits were.

_Three days earlier:_

"…_and then the little brat says "At least we've had sex"_- _girlfriend needs to learn some manners, and you didn't hear a word I said did you Michael"_

"_No" Michael told him with a brief glance up from his write up report for Percy._

"_I'm working, unlike you"_

"_Easy for you not to be upset" Birkhoff told him indignantly._

"_You're Mr. Cool Ninja Dude who gets all the attention. If I get pistol whipped everyone's all like "Oh he'll live". When you get shot everyone's all; "He's sooo brave! Squeal!" Do you know how that feels?"_

_Michael looked up from his work, thoroughly exasperated._

"_Alright Birkhoff first of all- who have you heard say those things, because I sure haven't, second Cool Ninja __Dude__... Really? And lastly, why are you talking to me about this?"_

"_Who elts? It's not like I'm going to share my, deep, hurt feelings with Amanda" Birkhoff retorted, being heavy on the sarcasm._

_But when Birkhoff brought up Amanda, Michael deduced that the computer geek had a point_

"I should be asking you why you're so worked up, but wait… Jaden insulted your nonexistent sex life didn't she?" Michael sighed

Birkhoff looked thoroughly flabbergasted at his conclusion and Michael was now worn out to the point of not really caring anymore. When Birkhoff struggled to answer, Michael knew it was time to take his leave.

"Well Birkhoff, I – am going home, and do something more productive then 'flirt' with the _Naughty Girls Club_ was it? I thought so" he told Birkhoff while putting on his suit jacket. He could finish reading over the O.P. plans when he got back to the apartment, and maybe even treat himself to a nice steak.

"Michael!" Birkhoff called after him as he strolled down the hall, "How do you _do _that?"

"Do what?"

"Come up with all those snappy come backs!"

"Magic Birkhoff, magic"

**I know it's short, but this is just a little [hopefully] funny chapter that entertains yawl until the next episode airs. I may write another featuring other characters like Amanda, Alex and Percy, but Birkhoff and Michael's relationship is more fun to write. They've defiantly got a brotherhood thing going on.**

**Until next time, -Blue**


	4. A ticking bomb

**AN: Sorry this update was late, but I was really busy this weekend. Thursday's episode was great, but I felt kinda bad for Alex and Michael afterward. Oh Percy and Amanda suck too, but I'll focus on them later. Anyways I want to thank you for the all story alerts and reviews I have gotten. They really help along the creative process. Enjoy!

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"_The only time I have ever doubted your loyalty to Division was during your relationship with Nikita"_

The moment Michael was ten feet out of ear shot, only one word had come out of his mouth.

"_Shit!"_ he had hissed with searing venom in his voice.

He really should have known that Amanda would tell Percy that they were romantically involved, or even better, he already knew! But how much did Percy really known? Had Amanda even told him at all? There was a chance that Percy might have figured out that they were together without Amanda's help. But when? Would Percy had given Michael the same ultimatum that Amanda had, or would he have silently canceled Nikita before he could blink? He pondered all these questions with a tired mind.

Michael was at his apartment lying face up on the bed, his arms folded behind his head, with venom in his heart. When had there been a time that Percy could have found out that him and Nikita were together? Michael racked his brain trying to find a time when the two of them hadn't been as careful about covering up there tracks.

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_It was late in the night when Michael slipped into Nikita's room. She wasn't quite back from the mission she had been activated for a week earlier. Nikita, another female recruit named Jordan, a nameless nerd and a few of Division's minions had been the task to bomb a sweat shop that some rich, high up official in China wanted gone. Nikita and the others had gotten back an hour earlier._

_The door opened wide enough for a person to slip through into the dark room and closed with a quiet click. The figure turned on the desk light to reveal herself wearing a baggy sweatshirt and a pair of jeans._

"_I don't think Amanda would approve of your attire Nikita" _

_Nikita let out a sharp gasp and turned around in shock to see Michael leaning against the far wall with an easy smirk on his lips._

"_Michael!" She cried softly and ran up to him, their lips meeting each other with a rousing kiss. _

_Nikita's arms went around Michael's neck and his hands gently grasped her wast as they said their non verbal hellos._

"_Welcome back. Did your mission go alright?" Michael asked softly when they broke apart._

"_We... We lost Jordan" Nikita said looking down at the floor. Michael could tell that this was really bothering her._

"_One of the men in the sweat shop snapped her neck when he was tying to steal her gun" She continued still looking down._

"_I can still hear it snapping" Nikita said looking back up at Michael, her eyes were wet._

_Michael crushed her against his strong chest, his arms holding her tightly._

"_I hate to say it but," A sudden knocking at the door interrupted what Michael was about to say._

_Nikita gave a strangled whisper,"Hide!" _

_Michael looked around the room franticlly, only to see under her bed as a suitable hiding place. He didn't have choice though and rolled under the bed. Meanwhile Nikita hurriedly wiped the tears from her eyes. _

"_Yes?" Nikita called._

"_Nikita? Good your awake" _

_Michael eyes widened at the sound of Percy's voice._

"_Remember that you need to brief me on your mission tomorrow morning at seven hundred hours. Don't be late"_

"_Yes Sir" Nikita replied without emotion._

_Percy was just about to leave when he turned around to say something that made Michael and Nikita's hearts quicken._

" _Oh and when you see him, be sure to tell Michael that I have a job for him"

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When he was sure that Percy was gone, Michael had rolled from under the bed to meet Nikita's wide eyes. The night had ended much faster then Michael had wanted it to, but that was what a secret relationship entailed he supposed.

That had been the only time in memory that Michael knew of when he and Nikita had been together that Percy had directly interfered with.

Michael utterly despised being kept out of the loop.

If he had known that Percy had ordered Monroe's assassination, maybe he could have stopped him from being killed. Who was he kidding Michael thought. Even though Nikita was gone from his life, at least he knew she was alone, as selfish as that sounded

Nikita had left because her precious _Daniel_ was dead and gone, and no matter how hard Michael wished it wasn't true, it was.

Michael knew for a fact that he hadn't known about Daniel's murder. Honestly he wasn't sure he would have told Nikita that Division was going to kill him, but the thought that she would run hadn't occurred to him yet. But then the last time he had saw her before she ran... there had been so much pain in her eyes. Michael couldn't bring himself wish that on anyone. Well maybe Percy and Amanda, but they actually deserved it.

What did he deserve? He silently questioned himself. Michael had already lost one of the 'things he loved most' as Nikita had put it, but no. No no no no no _no_, he was going there tonight, or any night soon for that matter. Michael didn't think he could bear reliving _that_ death again.

Thinking of wrongful, tragic ends, had Nikita survived?

Percy certainly didn't think so, but then again this was _Nikita_ Division was dealing with. Anything was possible when it came down to her. Michael was angry enough at Percy that he almost believed that he only wanted Nikita to live, just to piss Percy off. Of course that wasn't completely true, but the idea of pissing Percy off was a delightfully wonderful idea. Imagining vile ways of torturing him, also induced pleasant feelings.

How Michael hated tests. Or more accurately, how Michael hated being fooled and screw Percy for being the one to do so. Just the look of Percy smiling like that at him made him taste bile. What a complete bastard.

Had he known from the start that he was being tested he would have been more discrete about his interest in Alex. The girl reminded him so much of Nikita it was very nearly painful. Infuriating almost. Michael didn't want to be reminded of his former flame every time he looked over the recruits do their exercises. Maybe he was more protective of Alex because he hoped if he could help her, he could keep this mini Nikita from being hurt the way the real Nikita had.

Tomorrow when he woke up to the cold gray light filtering through the window, and the annoying beeb of his alarm clock, he would put the mask that he wore so well back on his face. Michael knew his frustration and anger were compounding, bit by bit and someday the ticking bomb he had become was going to explode and it wouldn't end well for anyone.

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**As always, please review!**

**Lots of love -Blue**


	5. A Long Day

**AU: Hey guys! Thanks again for all the reviews and story alerts. Now on to another chapter! Enjoy!**

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**Birkhoff really wasn't that smart. Computer smart, yes. People smart? Not much thought Michael. Talking to him about Nikita,_ with a gun in him hand_ really wasn't the brightest thing to do. As annoying Birkhoff's patronizing tone had been, he hadn't been very impressive. Perhaps if Birkhoff had actually hit the shooting target more then three times he might have pulled it off. The kid really could use some action with the opposite sex, and not through a computer screen. Birkhoff thinking he had more experience with women then Michael. _Ha._

He had been right though Michael thought. Nikita had lived to see another day alright, Owen Elliot? Who knew and who cared? Michael didn't. When Birkhoff raised the alarm signaling that division's most dangerous x recruit was back, the weight of worry he had been holding for the past two weeks had been completely hefted out of his hold. However his deep breath of relief would have to wait as Percy was still in operations. His relief wasn't just for Nikita either. When Michael had heard about the girl, Sara's fate he felt a pang of regret that he hadn't been able to train her more completely. He was glad that at least Nikita would be able to help her.

Michael gazed over the recruits who were just now going through several drills created to increase endurance and quickness. They ran, jumped and sprinted through the cones, breathing heavier with every rotation. Michael watched with slight distance as the guards running the program had not given the recruits even a one minuet break, even though the they had started an hour earlier.

"Three minuet break, get some water. When I call time, anyone who's late will have to do an extra few set of liners." Michael called, walking into the training area. "Go!"

There was a scuffle of feet and voices as the recruits hurried to get water and catch their breath.

"Thank God for Michael" Jaden panted to Thom. Alex who stood next to the both of them nodded her head in vigorous agreement.

"I wasn't sure if a could make the next two rotations without some water" Alex said, also panting.

Although Jaden wasn't exactly fond of Alex, the girl was right. The drills today were more vigorous then normal, not that they ever were easy.

"You know I really wonder how Michael became a part of division. Did he start as a recruit? Or did Percy get him from somewhere ells?" Thom said to the two girls.

"I don't know. I doubt he was a recruit though. Michael seems more like an ex army guy to me" Alex told Thom quietly, sipping her water.

Every single one of the recruits at least appreciated Michael if nothing ells. He, although very authoritative, always seemed more approachable. More human then any of the other trainers or other authority figures. When he thought things were going too far, he would do something about it, not just watch from the side lines. To the recruits, it was almost as if Michael honestly understood what they were going though, and did what he could to make things just a little bit better. He wasn't exactly scary either. Well at least not scary in the way Amanda or Percy were. Like Percy and Amanda, Michael was intimidating. But the recruits respected Michael out of gratitude other than fear, and that made the difference.

"You have twenty seconds!" A particularly burly guard barked.

Michael continued to watch the recruits with a critical eye as they continued the drills, occasionally giving out a quiet word of encouragement.

After another half hour, Michael and the other trainers finally released the recruits to go wash up before they headed over to Birkhoff. The recruits gratefully grabbed their gear and dragged their feet to the showers.

"Damn I'm tired" Jaden moaned to Thom, rubbing her arms."To bad we've got Birkhoff next"

"Tell me about it"

"I'm not talking to you Alexandra" Jaden snapped.

"Jaden? Please grow up. You'd do us all a big favor" Alex quipped.

Michael watched the conversation with amusement. Honestly he liked Jaden. She had been abandoned when she was seven and had been thrown head first into the streets of L.A. Division had found her in juvy for shooting and killing a women when trying mug her in an ally. However Jaden was a fighter and had a lot of potential as a field agent. Michael already knew Percy was keeping an eye on her and that made him nervous. Michael liked her because Jaden never gave up until she couldn't get off the ground. As cocky and confident as Jaden appeared, Michael had seen enough recruits like her to know what she really was inside: neglected. A girl who only ever wanted someone to love her.

Michael was surprised he was being this sentimental. It had been a very long time since he thought of love or real friendship. He hoped Jaden wouldn't let he allure of power get to her in a way that would get her killed.

The smell of some expensive perfume alerted Michael to a familiar and rather disliked presence.

"Yes Amanda?"

Michael turned to see Division's esteemed master manipulator in her normal attire of heels and a dress. Just now she held a small smile that like her other expressions, never reached her eyes.

"Good afternoon Michael. May I have a word?"

"Unfortunately" Michael replied, his lips tight.

"Wonderful. Lets walk"

The two Division veterans walked slowly down the long white hall. Michael said nothing, daring Amanda to take the first plunge.

"How is your search for Nikita going?" she asked mildly

Michael internally scoffed. Like she hadn't already asked Percy. Chances were Percy had asked her to conduct this 'interrogation' for him. Percy could do many things well, but he couldn't read people the way Amanda could, and there was no way Micheal was going to make her job easier.

"How do you think?" Michael paused. "But surely you already know" he daunted.

"Michael, I'm here to help"

"You're here to help Percy. Not me" Michael growled. "So cut the bull shit. What do you really want to know?"

Amanda stopped walking and looked at him thoughtfully, obviously pondering what her next words would be.

"Have your emotions gotten in the way of killing her? We both know you were-" She paused thinking of the right word to use. "Close"

Michael stiffened slightly. He knew that there would be a time when Percy or Amanda would ask him that question.

"Think of it this way Amanda. Nikita is like a trigger happy ex girlfriend that dumped you for someones ells and now she's back and you're not sure how to inflict the right revenge"

That was somewhat true. Nikita didn't know that Michael still cared for her when she fell for Monroe, and Michael did want some sort of revenge for his ex lover, but mostly for the bullet hole in his arm from the ally. Amanda didn't have to know that though.

Amanda carefully searched Michael dark eyes with an interested expression.

"Very well Michael. But be warned, I will be watching with great interest in how you handle her"

* * *

When the click clack of Amanda's heels faded into the silence, Michael let out an exasperated sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose thinking hard. Looking up at the plain tiles that covered the ceiling there was only one think Michael knew for certain.

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

**AU: As always reviews are much appreciated. Jaden _really_ needs a back story, so I'm going to continue to create one as the season unfolds. Thank you!**

**-Blue**


	6. To Kill a Mockingbird

**AN: As always thank you for all the awesome reviews, I really love your feed back. I'm tweaking my theory for Micheal's back story a little bit, because I think that he was not solely trained by division. That's all I really have to say other then who else can't wait for Thursday? Huh? Huh? _Finally _some Mikita action! Thank goodness. Anyways, enjoy!

* * *

**

Nikita had gotten away, _again, _and in a skin tight, lascivious dress to boot. She really was quite good.

Just now Michael sat at the table eating a late dinner in his apartment. The place was decent sized, generic and looked more like a cage then anything else. In the time before, and after Nikita went rogue Michael had disliked going to the apartment because there was little to distract himself with. When Division had given him the apartment he had only used it for sleeping and taking advantage of the work out area they had provided. He had not once used the kitchen or the tiny living room, preferring to spend his time at Division. However, Michael could be himself here and not have to worry about what he said or his emotions. Michael found he was spending more time here as of late and he wasn't quite sure why. If he had questioned himself further he may have found he had more bottled up emotions then usual, that needed to be extruded from his body.

The ever so subtle mention of his time military had also been an effective in throwing him off guard and Nikita knew it. At the mention of his five year stint in the military, a surge of memories slammed into his mind like a small tsunami.

A tank exploding in a desert landscape, killing fifteen people, fifteen friends.

An man cradling his dead son, crying out in stricken anguish.

A mother in a black dress clutching a folded flag, tears streaming down her face.

A teenage girl with hazel eyes slumped dead on the pavement, blood seeping out of the bullet hole through her heart.

Michael jerked up at the last vision that had flash before his eyes, and stormed over to where a large rug covered the mahogany wood paneling. Pealing the generic colored rug back, he felt around looking for the right floor board and paused.

"_Why _am I _doing _this to myself?" he muttered into space. Why was he doing something that would bring back an all consuming grief he had not felt in ten years?

_Crrreeeak_

There it was, the equivalent of a time portal to his nebulous past, hidden beneath a single floorboard. Michael eyed the paneling apprehensively, not sure if he wanted to look inside and retrieve the eagerly forgotten memories that lay just below the surface.

Michael took an deep breath, and carefully lifted the floorboard to uncover a small compartment he had constructed himself nine years ago. Inside was a dusty peach scrapbook Michael had not brought himself to look at since... _Jo_ had been killed.

Michael got slowly off the floor and slumped onto the couch. The peach book he now held in his hands was the most important thing he possessed. Michael gingerly opened the cover to see a picture of his forever eight teen year old sister beaming up at him.

* * *

_A ten year old Johanna looked up at Michael with a her eyes shining brightly. It was her birthday and Michael had saved up his money from working odd jobs to get her favorite band's new CD._

"_Thanks Mikey!" _

"_You're welcome Jojo" Michael said to he using her most despised nickname._

"_Don't call me Jojo."_

"_Then don't call me Mikey."_

"_But it suits you so well!" Jo told her older brother grinning up at him._

_Michael rolled his eyes and sat down next to her putting his arm around his little sister's shoulders. Jo looked down at the CD and leaned back into her brother's hug._

"_Are Zack and Merri still arguing?"_

_Michael had stopped referring to their parents as Mom and Dad four years ago and Jo had followed in suit. In fact Michael was more of her dad then their real father had ever been. Michael frowned at her question, wishing he had a better answer._

"_When are they not?" Michael sighed and hugged Jo closer._

"_Whenever they argue it makes me feel like it's my fault, even though I know it's not" Jo said sadly looking back up at Michael. "I wish they would just stop."

* * *

_

Michael closed his eyes tightly trying to block out her memory. It hurt so much to think about her. He loved her so much and he would never have the chance to protect her again.

Jo had been wiry, lean and very fast. Her dirty blond hair was thin and always tucked back in a messy braid of some sort, yet her bangs always seemed to be in her face. Although they looked alike, she was almost the complete opposite of Michael when it came down to their character traits. Michael was calm, collected, on time, serious and neat. Jo was funny, bright, late, passionate, popular and impulsive. She was often breaking rules and toeing the lines, but had a gift for eluding capture and hard evidence.

Michael knew how to cheer her up and make her laugh, and she him. Somehow whenever he thought of Jo, Michael also ended up thinking of Nikita as well. That almost made it worse. They both could make him laugh and smile and forget whatever bad things were happening at that time. Michael found in sardonic that they both left him too. Michael couldn't help but wonder if the two of them would have ever been friends.

* * *

"_Michael I don't trust this Percy guy. He's too... Nice."_

"_Jo, how can someone be too nice? We need a place to stay and frankly I need a job and you need to go to school." Michael turning to face his sister. He found her bright hazel eyes were wide and a little fearful._

"_It'll be fine," Michael assured her "Once I can work my way up to a higher position, I promise we'll leave and get a nice apartment near Manhattan and live happily ever after. Besides, having a brother in the army might be cool. Maybe I'll teach you some martial arts so you can beat some of those boys away."_

"_I think you'll need to learn kung foo more then me. Did you see some of looks those girls were giving you?" Jo exclaimed. " And don't change the subject. What happens if you get shipped out?"_

_Michael smiled at her concern. Atlas he was young and didn't think anything bad like that would happen to him so early in the game._

"_It'll be fine Jo." _

"_Promise?" She said getting up from her criss cross position on the bed._

"_Promise."

* * *

_

If only he had left right then and there. Heeded her warning and inner fears and just left. But he loved being the army. The pride he felt when he won a spar against a comrade years older then him. The power he had when hitting the bulls eye on a shooting range. He eventually enlisted to become a Navy Seal. Percy was pleased greatly. Jo became even more worried.

Michael stopped the story in his minds eye, knowing what would happen if he continued further into his past.

Oh Johanna. No he was not going to think about her, not anymore Michael thought vigorously. She should have never died. She was too sweet, too innocent, too kind to be murdered in cold blood. But she had.

"_The good die young"_

It had never occurred to Michael that Jo would be one of them. How come Michael hadn't died? He would have done so willingly if it meant she could live. He had gotten over her death to a point, but that didn't stop him from leaving lavender and violets on her grave every Christmas and birthday that passed by. Michael had told no one. Not even Nikita. Michael took a few deep, aggravated breaths and gently laid the peach book back inside it's compartment. He would revisit the past on a later date, but not now. After assuring himself that no one could tell what was really hidden beneath the floor boards, Michael slumped back onto the couch and rubbed his temples as if trying to dispel the memories he had relieved.

He decided that the best distraction would be to yet again analyze Division's many comings and goings.

Three unfortunate things had occurred in the past four days. One, Michael had discovered that Roan was still alive. It wasn't that Michael particularly disliked Roan, it was the absolute lack of regret in his eye's when he took a life away that unnerved Michael's trust in him. If he was alive, Elliot really needed to work on his right hooks.

Two, GOGLE was back on Division's ever alert radar. When Michael broke the news to Percy, a slightly amused expression crossed his face, causing Michael to become suspicious of Percy's motives. The last time Percy had tried to destroy GOGLE, he had become second in command.

Three, Nikita was still out there somewhere and probably planning her next outfit. Even after three years of no contact, the woman still managed to baffle him. Her escape was unfortunate, but after a moment of thought Michael surmised that perhaps 'irritating' was more of a fitting description. How she managed to always escape at the very last moment was an elusive mystery to Michael that fascinated and irked him to no end.

Nikita, Nikita, Nikita, Michael thought. What was Division going to do about her, or really what was_ he_ going to do about her?

* * *

**AN: I've had Jo in my head for the past two weeks or so , I just wasn't sure how to portray her character. For some reason I feel like Michael's back story is somewhat reminiscent of Anakin Skywalkers fall in Star Wars. I'm really interested to see what the writers say Michael's back story actually is. I'm debating on whether to write a Thom and Alex fic, I am also very close to starting a separate fic about a previous O.P. For Michael and Nikita, except they're working with another female agent and Nikita is the jealous one, instead of the other way around. Any thoughts? As always reviews are greatly appreciated.**

**Lots of love - Blue **


	7. How Did You Die?

**AU: Well shoot! Let's see, I was right about him being in the navy but this _is_ fanfiction, therefore all speculation. The last episode kind of screws up my whole theory, but I'll do my best to make this work. If you leave a review, it would be great to know how you think I did.

* * *

**

Empty. Hateful. Misery. _Agony._It was all too much, _too much to feel all at once_.

It hurt so bad, like a freshly opened wound rubbed with salt. The last time he had felt like this had been when _she_ died, when _they _died,when were ripped from the world. _From him, forever_. Then Michael had been so close, _so damn close_, to only have it all ripped away by the person who said they were there to help him.

Everything was so blurry, mixed up, confusing. Like nothing was real and Michael was OK with that. The longer he was numb the longer he could keep playing this charade like he was alright, like he would rise from his ashes and come alive again. Could he be like a phoenix? Could he regain his focus? Michael wasn't so sure right now.

The moment he finally entered his apartment there was a beat of silence. Then everything went to hell.

Books were strewn and scattered across the floor; bloody mirror shards littered the hall; some furniture had be overturned. In his paroxysm of grief Michael had screamed and yelled himself hoarse trying to get rid of the suffocating feel of agony that had overtook him. Only after he had punched that mirror had be began to calm down. The physical pain distracted him from the mental and emotional.

In a moment of sanity, Michael ran to the workout room and rushed into his gear. After his hands became numb and bloody from the punching bags, he went over to the treadmill and turned the speed up to high.

It was two hours before he finally collapsed on the floor with the treadmill still whirling fragrantly in the back round. Michael panted heavily and every cell in his body ached, but the room was just cold enough to make him numb. He felt so heavy too, like he was drowning. Was it just him or was everything spinning?

* * *

Some long period of time later found Michael siting on the floor, leaning against the wall in his bedroom the peach scrapbook clutched in his hands. Past the pictures of Jo, were other pictures. They bore faces of those he didn't think he could bare to remember again. Why did Nikita have to stop him? Michael wanted it gone, _wanted it over_. He wanted to see his baby girl again, he wanted to see his wife's beautiful smile and her blue eyes. Michael was tired of life being so complicated, so full of heart break. Mixed with all of the raw grief and anguish, there was guilt too. Guilt for falling for Nikita, someone other than the woman he had married. Guilt for not being able to protect his family anymore.

"_There will never be another woman for me, you know that right?"_

Siding with Percy felt like revenge and redemption for the death of his wife and family. To Michael joining forces Nikita felt disloyal to them. Percy needn't worry about his loyalties, Michael wanted Nikita gone from his life for a long time.

* * *

He tasted salt. His face felt puffy and inflamed from the bruises and onslaught of bitter tears that were poring down his face. Michael didn't say a word; didn't make a sound.

He let the shower water pore over him steadily, tumbling rhythmically over his beaten and bruised, cut and worn body. The only reason he hadn't physically harmed himself was the thoughts of revenge that were slowly, but inevitably coming back to him again and his hate for Kasim was more powerful and driven then ever. He was going to die very, very soon.

* * *

Lying in monotony in his bed Michael was finally feeling somewhat more resolved then he had been how many hours ago. He should let himself sleep and just let it go for the next few hours or so, but he felt so vulnerable and weak. If he was like Percy, Michael would have been infuriated by it, but he wasn't. He was too tired to be.

"_That's at least a two man op."_

Before Nikita messed everything up, things had been...nice. Truly honestly nice to work with her again, like wearing a favorite pair of jeans; easy, comfortable. Besides there were some things that he just couldn't do, like fool money launderers with feminine charm.

"_Tall, smoky voice. Very sexy. You won't be disappointed."_

Had she been flirting with him? Right now his reoccurring grief for Elisabeth clouded any feelings he had for Nikita. Right now he very nearly hated her. Michael's eyes began to burn again with hot tears and he just let them fall. Crying was simply not something he did often, but he wasn't ashamed to do. At least when he was alone. Michael had bottled up his feelings for nine long years, and they had at long last, reached their boiling point.

What now? He thought. What should I do besides let myself wallow? Michael felt the worst of it all was that he had to wait another how many years to catch Kasim before he could let go of all the pain, or die trying. Michael felt Nikita was being selfish by saving him, for not letting his die.

* * *

"_Michael, don't do this."_

Her voice is almost infuriatingly calm.

"_The way those solders are stacked at the gate- you will not get within ten yards of Kasim before they cut who down."_

She actually sounds worry he thinks. That was new. The thought might have been vindictive other then the fact he feels nothing but the thick knots of pain in his gut.

"_Who knew you would have been the voice of reason,"_

Michael tells her, his voice low, strained.

"_Revenge is not the answer."_

Not the answer? He was going after one man who had destroyed his whole world and then some. The reason he had nearly killed himself and was now about to make his death wish a reality. He didn't see another way out. And what was she doing? She was trying to take down all of Division! If anything the suicide mission was her's not his.

"_I'm sorry is this Nikita talking?"_

"_That's different!"_

How?, he wonders.

"_I'm not throwing my life away!"_

Michael doesn't really believe her. He knows what he wants. He hopes she does too.

"_That's your choice. This is mine. I hope you find what your looking for," _he tells her as the vodka bottle breaks against the sink. After what she's done, he doesn't want to say goodbye, but they're dead. They're all _dead, _and Michael doesn't think he can take it anymore.

"_You don't get to say your goodbyes."_

"_Goodbye Nikita." _

I'm sorry, he wants to add. Sorry that he couldn't love her the way Daniel could. Sorry for all the lies he told to keep her away. Sorry that this will be the last time she'll hear hear voice, or so he thinks. Michael want's to tell her all these things, but he knows he'll get emotional and Nikita will have ammo to loosen his resolve.

"_Michael! Michael, listen to me, listen, Michael. You think you don't have anything to live for?"_

The problem was he didn't. Elisabeth, Haley,Jo; they were all dead and even if he could get over his guilt for loving Nikita, while still loving his wife they could never be together anyway.

"_You do. You have me. Michael..."_

Three to four years ago he would have done almost anything to hear those words, but now it's too late. Or at least Michael thinks it is.

Then Nikita becomes the reason he will be tormented for another unbearable amount of time by his demons. Michael knows he can't cope with the hurt for another nine years.

* * *

After awhile Michael finally succumbed to the wonderful notion of not needing to think anymore, by way of fourteen hours later when he woke up, Michael noticed that the rage, the anger had gone, but now was replaced with a kind of dark hope that it was a new day. That maybe he could rebuild himself after all.

* * *

_And though you be done to death, what then?_

_If you battled the best you could;_

_If you played your part in the world of men,_

_Why the Critic will call it good._

_Death comes with a crawl, or comes with a pounce,_

_And whether he's slow or spry,_

_It isn't the fact you're dead that conts,_

_But only, how did you die?_

**_ How did you Die? -By Edmund Vance Cook_**

* * *

**Au: I feel sad now. It probably wasn't a good idea to listen to Evanescence while writing this. Oh well, anyhow this is how I think Michael was be feeling. This Fic is also before the very last scene in One Way, right before Michael is talking with Percy and Nikita and Alex have the whole, I found him, but I lost him conversation. Thank you!**

**Lots of love - Blue**


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